The Unseen Anchor: A Korean 아버지 (Father)

In my observation of and participation in various Korean homes, as well as throughout countless conversations with friends, I've come to see a very different kind of father than the "absent father figures" we lament in the states.

There are relatively few single mother in Korea. If parents divorce, the Grandparents often take care of the children so that they will have a stable, "normal" home. Indeed, a normal Korean home usually consists of a stay-at-home mother, (More on the topic of women's roles in society in a different post.) two children, grandparents and other relatives coming and going freely, and of course, a father, 아버지 (abeojee). A mother with a job, more - or less - than 2 children, infrequent contact with relatives, and an involved father are all cultural abnormalities.

It is the mother's, and the Grandparents' and aunts', job to raise the children. The fathers' job is to have a job. Most jobs in Korea begin before 8am and can last til 10pm, and if not required to stay this late, the employee can be "required" to go out and drink with coworkers and superiors. Weekends are therefore the only chance a family has to interact with their 아버지. By then he is tired, often sleeping til after noon, by which time the rest of the family has already set out on their own routines.

A recent poll taken of young people in Korea asked them to rank the level of closeness they felt with each member of their family. In every case, the father came last. Most of my friends hold their 아버지s in respect, as they have been taught, which necessitates distance. Fear of their ill opinion, disappointed hopes for their approval, and dread of taking care of them as they age characterize the views of young men toward their fathers. Young women seem to view their fathers as a sort of vending machine who will only provide their allowance if they perform better than their peers.  While there are certainly exceptions to these perspectives, they seem to dominate in most homes and families.

Although his the family would have no financial support and no name without him, his role is limited to this. The emotional support comes from the mother, the discipline comes from everyone who is older, and the relationships come from friends. The 아버지, the anchor of the family, is rarely seen in any other capacity.

Family goes without being said.

Things that make me more excited to be in America.

Driving
Any where I want. Any time I want. Any speed I want. (Sort of.) Any people I want. Any direction I want.

HUGS!!
Koreans don't hug. They tend to be really touch with friends of the same sex. But I can't even begin to say how much more I would like to have one really good hug, then no physical contact for the rest of the encounter than weird hand and arm holding, and no hugs. No hugs! Korea! How do you survive??

Cosmos
Miss my bar. Miss my beer. Korean beer ain't got nothing on Woodchuck cider and Calfkiller. In fact, Korean beer is pretty bad.

Christmas
I've never been into Christmas much, but the deprivation I have experienced here has started to make me a bit dejected. Now, to be clear, I do NOT miss Christmas "music". Or shopping. And especially not shoppers. But the decorations, general jolly atmosphere, cards, cantatas, and lights...and I'm not even going to start on the food. (Until later.)

New clothes
The downside of losing weight is that none of your clothes fit anymore. The downside of doing that in Korea is that they have no thrift or resale shops. I'm tired of looking "frumpy"!!

Working
Not that I particularly loved either of my jobs, but I sure miss having one!

Soft skin
If I go for more than 24 hours without slathering lotion all over my poor body, my skin turns into scales that refuse to peel off. I don't know what kind of lotion the use here, but if I ever come back, I HAVE to find some.

Cooking
Because, I love cooking! So much. I feel so happy every time I do it here. Not...because it always ends with something delicious, but because it ends with something home made, and hand made. By me!

Gym
They have gyms here. Even the ones on campus you have to pay for. and running on a mountain covered with ice just doesn't appeal to me right now...

Art supplies
MY art supplies that is. I want to paint.

FOOD
Where do I even start...
Ok, why is all the food here sweet? I just wanted a plain salty snack.
Eggnog, anyone? Anywhere? Nope.
Pancakes. They eat waffles here, covered in more sugar. Not exactly my cup of tea.
Eggs. I used to eat eggs every day! I could probably count how many I've had since I got here.
Yogurt. Not peach yogurt that makes me sick. Not strawberry yogurt - I don't like strawberry yogurt... Not yogurt with random chocolate cereal mix-ins. Just - freakin yogurt!
Frozen yogurt. Because ice cream is overrated. And Bingsu costs more than dinner.
Sweet&Sour chicken. Because they don't eat sour food here. Ever.
Sour gummy worms. See above.
Tortillas. And all other foods Mexican.
Bagels. And cream cheese. Because I love me some bagels and cream cheese!
FRUIT!!!!!! 1000x fruit! Because I can't afford to spend 3$ for 5 apples every week. Not to mention that at that rate I'd probably have eaten all the apples in Korea by the beginning of October.
VEGETABLES!!!!!!!! Because apparently kimchi supplies all the nutrients that all of ours provide put together. Maybe it's a fruit too, who knows...
Raisins. Oh my! I've loved raisins for so long. Now we can finally be together again.
Nuts. One small can of peanuts here: $7. You want mixed nuts? Try $12.
Non-fried chicken. Why is fried chicken so popular here? Why do you have to fry the poor chicken before you cover it in some kind of sweetish sauce?
Muffins. Because muffins here are always dry. *tears**more tears* I love muffins so much...
Pumpkin bread. Pumpkin anything!! Because I missed fall. And because...pumpkin.
Chicken soup. Because being sick here makes me want to eat chicken soup every day for the rest of my life.

On a Scale of 1 to Amanda Seyfried...

Within 2 days of arriving in Korea, the general populace seemed to have settled on my celebrity look-alike: Amanda Seyfried. (Although I never considered her to be terribly attractive, I decided to take it as a compliment.) Since that first week, I have repeatedly and from very different sources been told that I look just like her. By "varying sources", I mean varying Korean sources. It had never before crossed my mind that I looked *anything* like her, so when I arrived here and all-of-a-sudden looked *just* like her, I wondered what changed.

When I ask Koreans why they think I look like her, their answers generally include at least 2 of the following:
"You are really pretty."
"Blond hair."
"Big eyes."
"Light skin."
"Green eyes."
(I have since learned that the last 4 equal the first 1 here.)

When I asked my american friends if they saw the resemblance, most of them made comments such as:
"Well if she wasn't caked in makeup..."
"I guess you both have big eyes."
"Your facial structure is similar."
"Maybe I can see that."
"Well if your hair was lighter..."
And nobody said, but everybody thought:
"Well if you were skinnier..."

This is me at prom with my friend JJ in May 2010.

Amanda 2 days ago with Korean Kpop singer Taecyeon.

Amanda is a "stunning blond" actress/model.

I am a lowly college student and ambitious blogger.

While us Americans tend to categorize hair by colors such as blond, dirty blond, strawberry blond, brown, dark brown, light brown, black, red, or auburn, the Koreans view hair as light or Korean. We see eyes as big or normal, green, hazel, blue, bright blue, brown, and even "eyes like the sea after a storm". Koreans view eyes as either big or Korean, and either light or Korean. We view skin as light or tan, they see either light skin or Korean. Facial structure doesn't even cross their radar. And finally, being skinny in America is often equated with being attractive. Same in Korea. Unless you have non-Korean features - then you are pretty.

And I learned all this just because I suddenly looked like Amanda Seyfried when I landed in South Korea!

Breaking out of the Hierarchy

I recently met a Korean who neither drinks, nor asked me my age.

You may wonder why this is significant, and you may wonder if those are related. Well, you're in luck because I have the answers to both of those queries!

Korean society is based entirely on hierarchy. And that hierarchy is based exclusively on age. "Juniors" HAVE to do what their "Seniors" ask or demand. A senior is anyone who was born any year before you. And yes, this extends from families, to friends, to classmates, to coworkers. If your senior tells you that you are going to go and drink with him, then you go. And you drink as much as he buys you.

Independence and innovation are not valued nearly as highly as respect and interaction with seniors.

I've heard many of my friends and classmates complain that they are limited by the past - the oldest people in the company make the decisions. Or they are limited by the future - their senior invited them to go out and drink tonight, so they have to finish everything today so that if they are forced to drink too much, they have to time to recover in the morning.

Because the social hierarchy is built around age, it is typical to be asked your age during the first encounter. From that question it is set in stone who will be buying and who will be following, who will be bowing and who will be leading.

So what does alcohol have to do with it? Well, to say that Korea has a "drinking culture" is an understatement. Many Koreans don't like drinking, most do it anyway. Because their senior - for one reason or another - decided that drinking would be the sport for the night. Every night. This is not limited to college students, nor is it divided along religious lines. Everyone drinks. Especially when their senior buys it for them.

Except my new friend.

He is a software developer at Kakao Talk, Korea's own extremely popular social network. Their company policy includes: never asking 1) academic background - often used to discriminate and divide, or 2) age - always used to determine hierarchy. And how does he pull off not drinking? Well, without the age delineation, no one can tell anyone else what to do.

So for all my Korean friends who feel that they have no hope of ever escaping the cycle of hierarchy and are afraid that they will be locked in stagnant companies for the rest of their alcohol-ridden lives...I want them to know that a modern society based on ability is possible - even for "the capital of Confucianism". Keep fighting, my fine friends!

To be continued...

What I miss about America:
driving
radio
beer/cider
everybody using facebook
my professors
fruits/vegetables
soap/toilet paper/paper towels
*cooking
football
heat
*ethnic diversity
*pancakes
*resale/consignment shops

What I don't miss about America:
food
impatient people in restaurants
*(mostly) naked models
*homeless people everywhere
religious/ideological friction

What I will miss about Korea:
*food
public transportation
flowers everywhere
convenience stores
internet
clean/plentiful public restrooms
heated floors
*sharing

What I won't miss about Korea:
people staring at me
*people pumping into me/invading my "personal space"
odorous restrooms
the temperamental weather
sexism

Temple Stay Photos

The first gate leading into 구인사 (Guinsa) Temple. This was probably the most level part of the one road that ran up through the narrow valley between too incredible steep ridges. 구인사 is built along this road with many stairs, bridges and steep ramps.

Yes, we stayed in that beautiful building. And yes, that is a leaf carved out of the roof wall.

The view up.

My name tag.

The view down.

Well I finally got a picture of the
traditional guest house I keep talking
about! Opposite is the traditional bed.

Our schedule. If you can't read it, download it and zoom in - it's that good...

Orientation consisted of a bit of Temple history, some rules and guidelines, and then we all introduced ourselves.
A family: the parents and their 16-year-old daughter who had just finished her exams who just wanted a weekend away.
First group of international students: 1 guy from the Czech Republic, 1 girl from Germany, 1 girl from Lithuania, 1 guy and 1 girl from Sweden, and 1 girl from the Netherlands; they were all there for the cultural experience.
Two couples: one of the males was an American, the other 3 were Korean; all there for the peaceful atmosphere and the cultural experience.
Second group of internationals: all 3 from America, all there for a class. I also had a myriad of other reasons for going, but that is slightly beside the point.
1 Korean 20-something by himself: Software developer at Kakao Talk (look it up) from Seoul, just there to get away.

Me, in my mandatory Temple Outfit, chilling with the Four Guardian Kings. you will find these in the gates of all Buddhist Temples. They look menacing, but that is because their role is to guard the Temple, and those inside, from the evils outside.

Continuing on with the tour: this is next to the main Dharma hall. On the bottom is the bell that calls all to the morning and evening services, on the top is the drum that symbolizes protection and life for all things living on the earth, a fish symbolizing life and protection to all living creatures in the water, and a cloud symbolizing protection and life for all creatures living in the air. (There are many places and objects of which I did not take photos as I was afraid it would seem irreverent or that I would seem flippant.)

The building at the top (left) was new, modern, and even fancy.
It even had an elevator.
(Above) The Dharma hall at the very top was exquisite.
Truly breathtaking.

(Above and right) The view down the mountain.
The reason you can barely see anything is because the roof
was in the way. Yes, it is that steep.

You have to admit he has nice abs.
And looks scary as all get-out!

I thought he looked a little bit like Posiodon.
But I guess that's the wrong religion.

Did I mention detailed in the extreme, graceful, meaningful, or beautiful?

This was outside the main Dharma hall
around dusk during our tour.
Candles over ice into which wax had dripped.

Later, back at the same time for the evening
ceremony, I tried to capture it again.
This time along with the lotus lantern I made.

The food was, well, it was pretty bad. But we were required to eat it all, so most of us did. And hey look, we survived!
This was dinner, breakfast looked about the same, only slightly less red pepper paste.

After dinner was free time or the optional 108 prostrations, which I decided to do. This was actually one of my favorite parts, and I don't regret it in the least! But my legs hate me right now. The prostrations included:
59 of repentance
20 of gratitude
19 of vowing
5 of prayers
and 5 more vows.

After the morning ceremony, my friends Ryan and I decided to use our free time (from 0430-0650) to climb to the very top of the mountain. It was too dark and foggy to see much - including the path - but it was beautiful, calm, and well worth the hike. This light is actually next to the highest Dharma hall, but this picture was taken in the morning, not on the tour.

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Walking meditation in the morning included a silent walk among the mountains surrounding the Temple. We were led along a trail of leaves and pine needles, past incredible views and silent, giant trees. It ended at the tomb of one of the Venerables (deceased Monks) which is actually a sopt that is off-limits to Temple visitors. We got (VERY) lucky.

***Excerpt from my journal***
"The only sounds were the birds, our foot steps, a crying deer, and fading in and out - the singing of the Monks. At the end of our walk we were privileged to experience one of the most stunningly beautiful sights I have ever seen. The sun had finally risen above the surrounding mountains and as it began to pierce the fog, it revealed row after row of fading blue mountains. The sunbeams silhouetted the dark green pine trees and warmed the grassy knoll on which we paused to meditate. As I sat with my eyes closed and my face lifted to the light, an overwhelming sense of calm and beauty flooded my mind and my entire being."
Obviously, this was the best part for me. 

Next was tea with the Monks. We had a chance to ask questions and listen to many thoughts and views of the extremely pleasant Dharma. Because there were so many foreigners at this particular stay, I didn't get to ask nearly all of me questions. Much of what I learned was through observation. But it was still a wonderful and beautiful time - I always enjoy learning about others' views on the world and how they allow it to affect their lives.

And that was the end.
Most people ran as fast as they could
to catch the next bus back to Seoul. 

I was not quite ready to leave, so I took an extra
hour, sat next to the Four Kings, and wrote extensively
about my first Temple Stay experience.

I caught the 1 o'clock bus with 3 minutes to spare, and thus began my 6-hour, unexpectedly pleasant, journey back to real life.

Temple Stay Fails

A short list of Do's and Do Not's when participating in a Temple Stay:


1a. DO make sure you communicate properly with the reservation staff.
1b. DO NOT ever enter a building with your shoes on.

2a. DO make sure you watch those around you for clues on how to behave.
2b. DO NOT zone out when those clues are your only means of direction.

3a. DO take any opportunity to try something new.
3b. DO NOT hold incense sticks tightly. (They break.)

4a. DO wear appropriate clothing for all activities and weather.
4b. DO NOT leave any amount of food in your dish.

5a. DO talk with the other guests.
5b. DO NOT talk at your regular decibel.

6a. DO bring extra food.
6b. DO NOT leave the wrappers in the trash.

7a. DO enjoy your stay.
7b. DO NOT invite your friends of the opposite sex into your room.

8a. DO attempt to communicate with the Monks/Dharmas.
8b. DO NOT assume there is no one around when you are at a shrine in early morning darkness.

9a. DO ask questions in the Q&A sessions.
9b. DO NOT drink your tea quickly in an attempt to "catch up".

10a. DO practice all the new skills you are learning.
10b. DO NOT practice them at the wrong times.

11a. DO listen carefully to everything you hear.
11b. DO NOT openly contradict anyone else.

12. DO everything slowly and intentionally.


Our group may or may not have learned all of these rules by experience.

Style as Status

The first Sunday I was in Korea, I visited my friend Jinju's church with her. She told me that everyone thought I was extremely polite because every time she greeted someone with a bow and and "Anyeong Ha Saeyo," I did the same.

During the school orientation, we were told that under no circumstances should we wear tank-tops, because they never do that, and it would be perceived as extremely immodest. I also noticed that no one wore flip flops - too casual I assume. My only thought was "I wish someone had told me these things *before* I got here with all my American clothes..." After that we all did our best to make our wardrobes fit both the weather and Koreans' expectations.

As it turns out, however, we may not have been quite on target.

When I told Jinju about how I had bought some new clothes and changed my style a bit so as to avoid giving offense, she responded in surprise, "Oh! You didn't have to do that! It's very respectful of you, but you are a foreigner, so you can wear tank-tops." Today I asked a couple of my friends here and their response was extremely similar, "Really? I think you can wear whatever you want - you are a foreigner." 

I have also seen the while normal college students and young women normally dress quite conservatively, models, actresses, singers, and other celebrities seem to be able to wear anything regardless of what it covers and what it shows.

So it's more of a status issue than one of modesty. I am a foreigner, I am expected to be different. 

I feel like if I were to walk around with semi-bear shoulders, I would be flaunting my status as an outsider. Which is not really something I want to do. On the other hand, my hair, skin, eyes, and speech clearly define me as a foreigner, so if I ever get the urge to underscore the difference, I can safely wear a strapless dress or flip flops.

Some things are inexplicable.

Although I have been to several (Buddhist) temples here, the sense of peace that pervades the entire site never ceases to amaze me. I could be standing shoulder to shoulder with a crowd of people as we attempt to view the famous, or not-so-famous, Buddha or building, or I could be standing alone in the shade of an ancient tree that's grown through the stone fence surrounding the temple grounds. Either way, the feeling of total calm is inescapable.

This weekend I visited the Beomeosa Temple in Busan, and I think I can safely say that it is not only the most unique, but also the most beautiful that I have seen to far. It also contained a surprise for us.

After a long trek up some rock stairs built into the mountain behind the temple, my tour guide/good friend, Yeongho, and I found a secluded compound where there were maybe 5 other people. At first we didn't know if we could go in, because inside the main building there were a couple monks singing an obviously-sacred a capella tune. Other than those monks and two large, fluffy dogs, the place seems deserted.

After standing, whispering, taking a few photos, and generally soaking up the restful atmosphere, we caught glimpse of a hiker inside the wall, so we ventured in ourselves.

Inside, the yard, buildings, and even the dogs, seemed perfectly managed. Quite, still, and well-kept, it appeared to be an actually dwelling place for Buddhist monks. Complete with a spring, temple, manicured bushes, sleeping rooms, and even beautiful stone structures built into the mountain. It was surreal, but so attainable at the same time. From the gate, you could see the entire compound, but it was impossible to ignore the sense that most of what was happening was not visible. Somehow, the camera felt out-place-while, while simultaneously feeling useless. It was like a time warp - which would be impossible to capture. But on the other hand, it did not feel wrong to be a modern person with a phone, sparkly earrings, and a camera.

In an inexplicable way, the past, present and future all seemed to meet. Natural beauty met humanly-designed beauty. The tangible world met the ethereal. All in a seamless, intangible yet inescapable manner. All this inside the small walls of Geumgangam.

Genie Talks

If you don't get the reference: http://genietalk.etri.re.kr/english.html...

For those of you who know me, you know that I am not terribly politically active and rarely even express political opinions. For those of you who don't know me, well, now you know me a little better... I am not apathetic regarding political issues, and I like to listen to opposing ideas and all possible perspectives. So I was intrigued when my Korean History teacher, Genie, expressed her opinion on President Obama.

Genie is an extremely intelligent student who is currently finishing her Doctoral studies in Korean Studies on scholarship from the Korean government. She has traveled to over 40 countries both for academic and professional reasons. She is married with one daughter. She teaches to supplement her scholarship - Modern Korean History to Korean high school students, and the Survey of Korean History to five international students here at Soonchunhyang.

Instead of commenting on the pros or cons of President Obama's fiscal or global policies, she looked at his presidency from a very historical view point. In the broad scheme of all history, America has been around for only a very short time. In that time, a man whose ancestors had been slaves for over a century and a half, less than a century and a half ago, came to hold the most powerful position, arguably, in the world. Not by bloodshed or by terror, but by popular, democratic vote.

Regardless of your view on democracy, history, Obama, politics, or even slavery and race, this is remarkable. Historically, emancipation has always been a difficult decision, and assimilation an even more difficult process. It is no small thing that our country has come so far in this area.

At least, that is the way Genie translated it.

Just another normal weekend - IN SEOUL!

As of today I have been in Korea for 72 days, and I only have 50 more. Wow! Hard to believe it! In light of this, however, I have all kinds of plans for the next few weeks and weekends. Every day I have to study Korean, German, and Spanish, every week I have to complete at least one extra project - scholarship applications, presentations, research papers, etc. And my weekend schedule for the next couple months looks like this:

November 8-10: Busan with old friends
November 15, 16: time with my room mate, and the Global Village Sports Festival
November 23-24: Temple Stay
November 30-December 1: Seoul to visit friends and make pumpkin pie!
December 7-8: Suwon Swing dancing and visiting with a friend
December 14-15: study - weekend before finals
December 20-24: last weekend in Korea - visit Aeri and Jinju

So in a way the weekend I just finished is the last "normal" weekend I will have here. I spent Friday night and Saturday morning studying, and then went to Seoul on Saturday night to have some much-needed girl time with my 오니, (O-nee, big sister) Jinju. Sunday I went on a field trip to one of the palaces with my History class. Over all it was an extremely relaxing weekend full of great people and beautiful fall scenery.

 The classiest Starbucks I have ever seen along with other amusing sights on 대학로 - Tae Hak Ro, University Boulevard. Following a nice stroll we found an even nicer Indian restaurant.

  I've eaten Indian food once in the recent past, and it must have been terribly cheap because I didn't like it at all. But this place was amazing! Ethnic food in Korea is really expensive, so I probably won't go back, but finding a place in Nashville - that's reasonable!

Foggy Seoul - the view from Jinju's bedroom window...

 This is the City Hall in Seoul. The front part was build under the Japanese imperialism, and the back part - supposed to look like a wave overtaking the front - was built last year. If you've heard about lingering animosity between Japan and Korea, well sadly it is true. Mostly on a national level, and mostly on the Koreans' side. Few individual Koreans have any real issues with any individual Japanese, but it is not uncommon to hear hostility, mistrust, and even racial comment toward Japan and the Japanese people. 

 We witnessed a "Changing of the Guard" ceremony complete with costumed actors, drums and many other native Korean instruments, (look for the conch shell in the picture to the left) flags, and even a photo op. Where else but Korea would the actors stop and pose for pictures in the middle of a ceremony?

 Above: the outside wall of the palace.

Below: the opposite side of the wall.

 Whatever you do, don't walk in the middle of this staircase! The middle is where the ghosts go. Generally considered uncomfortable company in this culture.

 Someone once decided that Korean buildings should start looking more like European buildings. Including foundations which went against the Korean philosophy of everything being connected and going up. 

Here is the wide open yard in front of the main palace. This palace is small because it is where the Korean Emperor disguised and hid himself from the Japanese after his wife was assassinated. Korea was also extremely poor at that point.
My fellow Tennesseans should recognize the picture on the right...ghost chimneys are scattered thickly around where I grew up. Granted, most don't look quite like this one to say the least.

After we finished our tour of the palace we walked around Seoul for a bit, ate, chatted, and then went to the Seoul National Museum. It is HUGE!! And my camera died. So...you'll just have to visit it yourself!

I told you Korea was full of beautiful places and things. I stopped trying to take pictures of all the random beautiful sculptures and architecture that I see every time I go anywhere. It's truly incredible! I know there are stories behind each one, though they are rarely posted, and even more rarely in English. Maybe some day I'll understand the language and more fully understand this wonderland in which I am living...