Last night I woke up from a much-needed 6-hour nap, and thought "What should I do now?" When my mind answered me "Hmm...are there any lists, plans, or records I can make?" my next thought was "What??! Since when do I plan and organize in my spare time? Who is this person??" I sat there thinking about what I'd just thought, feeling quite disconcerted at the changes taking place almost without my notice. Feeling like I no longer knew myself. Then my friend knocked on the door and asked me if I wanted to go eat with them. I immediately felt better and exclaimed, "Sure!" Then my mind started racing once again, "Wait, what? Since when do I spend time with other people to make me feel better? Am I turning into an extrovert?! *gasp*"
WHO IS THIS PERSON IN MY BODY!!
Of course, facing the idea of having an identity crisis at the age of 23 because I wanted to make a list and then go out with friends seemed really quite ridiculous - at least I can still laugh at myself! But someone asked me about a month ago how this experience was changing me, and since then I've been trying to answer.
Yes, I now tend to be extremely organized and future-focused. I still don't ever make my bed, but the girl who used to leave her shoes and projects all over the house, and the teenager who used to have piles of clothes in every available floor space, has become the women who tightly holds to the mantra, "A place for everything, and everything in its place." The high-schooler who used to procrastinate until 9 o'clock at night, is now the college student who studies regularly every day so she never has to study for finals.
Also, I do plan ahead. Nothing big, just, you know... Graduate school. In two years. But in this area, I have certainly maintained some of my spontaneous tendencies. I like to look at options, and work toward one, while striving to keep all the others open - just in case I change my mind. I suppose "organized" and "future-focused" does not necessarily equate with being a "planner."
As for becoming an extrovert. Well, I haven't. I have, however, learned the therapeutic effects of going out with others when I am tempted to over-analyze myself. Somehow, when I'm with others, I have less time to be selfish. Who knew?
I've noticed some other changes as well...
Such as, not being afraid of looking weird, or of people noticing me. Why? Well, everyone notices me here anyway. Why not give them a better reason than my blond hair?
I've also begun to learn that there is nothing wrong with trying something even if I know I won't be good at it. So what if I never make a single basket? I enjoyed the time spent attempting to play basketball with several other almost as bad as I was.
Since I got here, I have frequently heard the accusation, "Yea, but you like being healthy!" First, I never knew that was such a bad thing... And second, since when do I like being healthy? Well, since I recently realized how much better I feel physically and psychologically when I eat food that is good for me and devote time every day to exercise.
Finally, that state that some refer to as "being in love," still not sure I buy it. But I can safely say that I feel things I've never felt before, and make very different decisions than I used to, all because of Sam.
So yes, I am changing. That person in my body - which itself looks a bit different - is not the same as she used to be. But growing and changing often go together. I'm not afraid of changing because I don't want to be the same person I was yesterday! I want to be kinder, stronger, and wiser. I want to be growing.
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